My roommate/close friend, R, and I agree on most things. But she has a couple of bones to pick with me, and one of them is my reluctance to ask for what should rightfully be mine. Take for example the fact that I’m a bit apprehensive about asking the company I work for to reimburse cab fares for the work-related travel I do. My boss has made it abundantly clear that I should ask for this to be refunded by the company. And yet, there is a sense of hesitation that prevents me from going ahead and claiming my reimbursement.
This drives R up the wall to no end and probably rightfully so. The last time we argued about this, I blew up in her face and told her I felt a sense of gratitude towards the company that has taught me so much over the last four years and felt like asking for a reimbursement could be construed as ‘ungrateful.’ She caught my bluff instantly, and I was offended that feigning ‘self-righteousness’ hadn’t worked. :-p
“But you’ve been TOLD to ask for a reimbursement! Why is this so hard for you?.” I followed it up with more non-sensical logic. She asked me to think about it, and I told her I would. It’s usually what I do to end an argument. Just agree to what the other person recommends and not act on it, until the issue crops up again.
This time, however, her words stuck with me, and I tried to dissect and delve deep into why I was apprehensive about asking for what was rightfully mine. Like many other deep-seated impressions from the memory bank, I believe the answer to this lay in what I’d experienced as a child.
For most of my childhood, I grew up in a single-parent setup after my father upped and left quite unexpectedly. My mother made sure that my brother and I knew we were loved on every occasion and she did her very best to provide for us. I remember the days when she’d make sure my brother and I ate really well, even if she didn’t have enough to herself. But beyond that, we survived on handouts from generous family friends and relatives who saw our plight and stepped in.
I’m immensely grateful to all the people who stepped in and helped us with no agenda except their love and generosity. From Complan and Bournvita to rice, fish, meat, groceries, we had many ‘Good Samaritans’ in our life.
Growing up, I remember saving money and buying thoughtful presents for my friends. Not particularly expensive, and yet each gift had a special meaning. When the gesture was reciprocated, however, I’d close up like a clam and not know how to handle it. I realize there were two critical factors at play here:
- All those free handouts as a child had affected my ability to look at ‘presents’/gestures of kindness any differently.
- While I was comfortable/excited to give to others to show them how much they meant to me, I always felt that I’d never mean enough to anyone to compliment me/ do something sweet for me without an agenda.
A very dear friend of mine really put things into perspective. In a conversation with her husband, she mentioned how I was probably the kind of person who would never understand how much I meant to someone simply because I could not fathom why they would be extremely good to me. “She will never really know or believe how much she can mean to someone.”
The plot was slowly unfolding before my eyes, and I’d begun to believe that I’d found my Hamartia: My tragic flaw. An inability to accept a kind gesture, a genuine compliment, because the words I was hearing did not align with how I saw myself. The temptation to second guess myself and react in awkward surprise when someone said something good about me had a tendency to overpower everything else.
So, now what? If you’ve hung around with me till the end of this blog, it means we probably know each other well enough for you to have experienced my ‘weirdness’ when you’ve said something nice about me. It could also be because you, dear reader, like me, perceive compliments and thoughtful gestures in a similar fashion. And while, on some level, the aim of writing about it is to explore the roots of this behavioral pattern somehow, I’m more interested in what can be done to overcome this. Here are a few conscious attempts I’ll be making over the next 30 days:
- Accept a compliment without trying to downplay it. Smile and say ‘Thanks.’ It may initially come through gritted teeth, but I trust it will get more natural with time.
- My response to a kind gesture will not include “You shouldn’t have done this,’ ‘I wasn’t expecting this.
- Shift focus to how the person is trying to do a nice thing instead of how I feel at that moment. Honor the sentiment, even though I may not wholly agree with it.
- Being more self-aware about my thought patterns and how to work on them.
Most importantly, and to the joy of my dear friend, R, I will boldly ask for that reimbursement, without a shard of guilt.