The streets don’t feel the same anymore. I can barely string together a coherent thought, let alone write anything meaningful.When I think of a different place than home, my mind immediately wanders to your doorstep. The thought that that one place I knew I could drop in for no reason, no longer exists..it punctures a deep hole.
We finish saying prayers and I open my eyes, half expecting you to be there, and start singing a song from the hymn book. But all that I hear is silence. We sit and eat dinner in silence. Try to fill the gaps with talks about the weather. There’s a weak attempt at a joke. What do you do when someone who played such an integral part dislodges herself from the puzzle? I can tell you that it will never be the same. I can tell you that while the puzzle will still make sense, your attention will go back to that gaping hole as you grapple with memory itself and try to remember how things felt when that missing piece was in the equation.
They tell me you lived a good life; More than what people get. That you didn’t suffer; that you left with your dignity Intact. As if it is supposed to make things easier. Maybe this is hard to deal with because you were the first person I loved and lost. Maybe it hurts because I could not recognize the woman in the coffin because it felt you had already left.
If only there was a way to be certain that there was no pain in your final moments, and you weren’t terrified of going the way you did, maybe this would be easier. You wanted to live.
You wanted to live.
Mom and I went to visit your grave today. I know you’d probably laugh and make fun of me for not remembering the way to my own grandmum’s grave. 🙂 We both knew you were not there anymore and yet there was some solace in knowing that it was your last resting place in this world. I don’t think I’ve visited anyone else’s grave earlier, but sitting there next to you, remembering you and talking about you seemed so natural. It felt good that Ajja was right next to you. I’m sure that after nearly 30 years he is super stoked to have you with him and that thought makes us smile.
Mum takes me on a walk around the cemetry and shows me the final resting place of your parents. You both knew. Now it was time for me to learn as well. Miss you so much. All of us do. Being expressive was your thing though. One thing we didn’t learn from you.
Walking away I know one thing for sure: No milestone, no heartbreak will ever be processed without a visit here. The last place I got to see you. Love you Ajji.